Family

 Roz on Family

It is four thirty in the morning South African time. I woke up at about 3am in our darkened room.  My thoughts of my life and learning flashing through my mind. 

Reflecting  on this past year. 

A year of heartbreak and not belonging. 

For 24 years I believed in a miracle of a blended family that was strong, filled with love and compassion.

My admiration for the fortitude and strength each family member displayed.  

I had believed that I was a big part of the successes I was witnessing in each separate family households. 

I had laughed, cried, hoped, endured their challenges even believing I meant something .  Felt responsible, privileged and felt that I’d loved enough, taught something, given a huge part of myself! 

My loving each child like my own perhaps more so because I was fulfilling a promise. 

I never asked for the task! Nor did I have an expectation. 

My nature is to love all people especially small people as the love is reciprocated unconditionally.

In the 25th year everything changed or so I believed or did it. 

Five years earlier Johns memory started to decline. 

Little by little I would start losing the man I love day by day. 

This would be the moment that would change the reality. 

Our island living of isolation had begun. 

Then came Covid taking away even more thrusting us into  another realm.

We began to feel the burden we were becoming re finances 

Over night we became the dreaded pair, the respect dwindled. The resentment cultivated

Our favour in the family feigned!

The very man that protected me, loved me, respected and cared for me could no longer do that!

I was to step up and help him keep his dignity while I was losing mine.

My failing health and the daunting task of taking care of the man I love took it’s toll and when COVID came and went it robbed us of the pleasures we had both once enjoyed.

Being strong for two 

Thinking for two was a challenge I was not prepared for as John had done this for me for twenty years. 

I trusted him, never questioned him. 

When I took over the finances it was a huge shock as even though we had a joint bank account he always was the one to take care of things and I never questioned him!

I was left to unravel a tangled mess which I had begun to sort out and getting somewhere when COVID happened 

The children took charge of things while we were ill putting them under duress and strain. 

It was the start of the resentment and lack of understanding. 

We became two worthless individuals hanging onto the even more tangled web!

The island had become bigger and far more unstable, reducing us to feeling less and ultimately being less.

I was facing a cross roads. 

A dead end or a short journey for a season 

We made the decision to try and keep the structures in place, for as long as possible so that We could hold onto each other for longer.

My digging in my heals cost me a family I thought understood. 

It cost me total isolation 

One of my longest hardest years yet 2021-2022

I have felt the pain of isolation

I have felt the heart break of relationships ending 

I have felt the loss of belonging 

I am but 1 in the masses out there who have endured the same. 

Ashamedly I did consider ending my life on one Occassion 

I’m not proud of that

Reality is harsh at times and can keep you awake at night 

Never did I ever think that I could be resented so much when all I could feel was love for the family.

It has taken me a year to process how little I was thought of and even less respected. 

The consoling thought was that the Saviour cried tears, endured the pain I have felt, paid the price for me.

It is time I walk by faith and be acceptable to the Saviour hi

I’m loved - I am appreciated by him 

I’m acceptable by him

I may be different in a family that won’t accept me with my faults and failings 

I belong in the arms of my saviour who will love me even if I’m broken in the eyes of those in mortality